In The Beginning...

OK, so to properly lead you up to how I got to where I am today and the significance of my blog title, I suppose it would be best to just start from the beginning. This is going to take a while.

My mom was the eldest of eight children. Her father was an alcoholic, and from what I have been told (and observed on a few occasions), a very mean, abusive man when intoxicated. He was Irish, came over "on the boats" with his father and brothers. Her mom had MS and was in a wheelchair by the time her youngest sister was born. There is only three years difference between my aunt and I, so I never had the privilege of seeing my grandmother walk. My grandma was one of the sweetest, kindest, soft spoken women I have ever encountered and I loved her immensely. 

My mom had the burden at a very young age of caring for all of her younger siblings and the household chores, as well as enduring the abusive behavior my grandfather inflicted on her and her siblings. She said the boys always got beat the worst, but I believe her abuse was far more detrimental. She left home at age fifteen with my biological father.

I was born on September 23, 1966, in Dunedin, Florida. Mom was sixteen by then, "SD" was in his early twenties and in the service. I am not entirely clear on the whole story, but by the time I was six months old, he was gone. My mom says he came from a rather dysfunctional family ~ alcohol and drug use, alcoholic parents, lots of brutally physical fighting amongst he and his brothers, etc. They were of Cherokee descent somewhere along the line. He allegedly signed adoption papers in lieu of paying back child support when I was two. I will fill in more details about him later.

At around a year to 18 months old, my mom met my "DAD". He was in the Navy, but got out for about four years. During that time, we lived on a quarter horse farm, where my dad worked breaking and training horses. Some of my earliest memories are of a yellow striped cat named Buffy ~ I used to dress her in doll clothes and pull her around in my red wagon. Those were happy times. I believe my dad also did some salvage diving and some race car driving during this time period. We lived in various parts of Florida. My mom used to tell me I looked like the Copper Tone baby, with my blonde pig tails, dark tan, and droopy bikinni bottoms full of sand.

By the time I was four, my mom and I were expecting a baby boy ~ that was MY baby!! "Junior" was born on August 23, 1971, in Indian Head, MD. I suppose with the coming of another mouth to feed, my dad decided to return to the Navy and a more stable career. Stable it was ~ retired as a Master Chief after he served 23 years, working his way through diving school, Explosive Ordinence Disposal Team training, and earning his Bachelor's degree. We lived most of his career in Virginia Beach, VA, but spent some time in Indiana and California, both of which I will add details about later.

The Dream

 ~ I am standing in an auditorium, everything is quiet, although every seat is occupied. Every person in the audience is staring forward, only the backs of their "red headed" heads are visible, including myself. Each person is holding a cell phone. There is a stage with heavy, red velvet curtains with gold trim and gold tassels. The curtains are closed. Every seat is trimmed in gold, all the walls are painted gold, even the stage is golden. I am standing, with my right hand raised, as if taking an oath. I hear a deep, male voice say, "Repeat after me", and then I say along with the voice, "I will use my sobriety for the goodness of all man kind". Next, I am in a public restroom, totally red from ceiling to floor, and the stall walls are only about three feet high, like in an elementary school. There are four girls in each stall, five stalls total, twenty girls total. They are all standing and talking on their cell phones. I am trying desparately to tell them to hurry, I need to get in, but they don't listen to me.

I wake up. I am so shaken and moved by my dream that I can't go back to sleep. I have only been sober for four days. I decide to get on line, am able to find a dream interpretation web sight, and attempt to decipher my dream. This is what I found:

Red : The color red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations.

Gold: The color gold reflects a spiritual reward, richness, refinement and enhancement of your surroundings. It also signifies your determination and unyielding nature.

Theater: Being in a theater signifies your social life. The performance parallels situations in your waking life and the characters relate to you and may represent an aspect of yourself. You may be taking on a new role.

Faceless: To see a faceless figure or person in your dream, indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are. 

Cell phone: To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information.

Redhead: To dream that you are a redhead, suggests that you need more vitality in your life. It is time to make some dramatic changes.

Stage curtain: If it is down or closed, it suggests that you need to accept some decision. You have to come to terms with the end.

Voice: To hear a voice signifies a message from the unconscious or spiritual realm. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you need to "voice" your opinions more loudly. Speak your mind!

Oath: To dream that you are taking an oath, represents your need for the truth. It also symbolizes your commitment and dedication.

Restroom: You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Also symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically. A public restroom signifies that you are always putting others ahead of your own needs  Also indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you.

School: A dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience.

Girls: May represent your playful, innocent, and childlike nature.

20: The number twenty indicates that you are in need of support, feeling withdrawn and isolated. It may signify having 20:20 vision. You are seeing something more clearly now.

Ok, so now I'm really freaked out!! Did God just speak to me and tell me to use my testimony to help others? No matter what people think of me, am I to utilize my experiences, share my "real" self, swallow my pride, focus and grow spritually? Now, two years later, I am convinced that is precisely what He has asked of me, that is His will for me, His calling.

Nov. 17, 2010 ~ 2 years sober

I am writing this blog for two reasons, one: in hopes that my story will help another alcoholic, and two: because I truly believe this is what I was intended to do, this is my "calling", if you will (although I despise that term). Honestly, I need to get this out because I had a dream, which I will write about, that made me anxious to tell my story. My story is nothing utterly spectacular, but maybe I will reach someone who needs to hear what I have to say, and who will find the inspiration to change their own life.

My name is Renee, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure I was born an alcoholic. Addiction is prevalent on both sides of my family. My mom will argue until she's "blue in the face" that I most certainly was NOT born with any affliction, but there are many case studies and scientific proof out there that can prove otherwise.

Regardless, I have just celebrated my "2nd birthday". By God's grace, I am alive and sober. I asked God to remove my urge to drink, and low and behold, I am now actually repulsed by even the smell of mouth wash! If you have had a drink of anything containing alcohol, I can smell you a mile away! Seriously.

My intent is to write a little bit about myself, randomly, and eventually lead into the story which inspired the title of my blog. I have many thoughts, ideas, and dreams, some very random, that I'm sure will also make it into my entries. In my next writing, I will detail the vision, the bizarre, crazy dream which has started this whole mess!! Good night, and dream a little dream!!